For those less firmly among the "in" crowd and for those new to
our "doggie" distraction, I have assembled here several more current items sure to cause "buzzes" at the next club meeting. This is information you won't find recorded anywhere else:

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      Those long-rumored close ties between the American Kennel Club  and the Irish Republican Army are, if not totally false, highly exaggerated.

 Hillary and Bill will not attend the Westminster show this year.

      Chicken bones are not good for dogs to eat.  Strung into necklaces  and used for good luck trinkets however, those same bones have been proven to be both harmless and ineffective. ...
Research continues.

      Honey is not effective when used as a deodorant in the cat's box. .. Avoid using it.

      I know that many of you, like me, save the hair that you strip out of your dog before each show. Use those plastic bags from the supermarket. You know the ones that have holes in them. The holes let the air in and prevent mildew.

      The Commodities Exchange is sure taking its time in approving trading of puppy futures. In a year or two you should be able to register litters at least three and perhaps four generations before whelping.

      Labradors should not be trained to retrieve information from a computer database.

      With the passage of the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) look for the price of nail clippers to plummet.

      With a little patience, you can soak those empty dog food bags you have accumulated; mash them together with plaster, and fashion a really passable statue of Dionysus. He's the god of wine and vegetation, you know. ... I've done it twice myself now.

      But what would you get if you really did breed "Familiarity" with "Contempt"?

      A German Shepherd cannot tell when the calculator batteries are dead.

      We now know that electromagnetic wave activity in and around a show site does affect bladder control in humans. You should be able to avoid embarrassment by wrapping yourself thoroughly in Aluminum foil. ...  Remember now, shiny side out!

      Do they put epoxy in cat food or what?

      Dogs seldom experience hemorrhoids mainly because they can't read.

      There was a "drive-by" dog show in Atlanta last week.  ... Our man there reports, "We were just standing there with our dogs after obedience class.  A shabby blue pick-up sped by with a judge hanging out of the passenger window. ... He pointed and hollered, 'One!  ... Two!  ...  Three!'. At first we were going to call the Police, but, after we counted, we realized that the Poodle had just won a four-point major so we agreed to send the results to the A.K.C. instead."

The six-part T.V. mini-series "Grooming the Beagle", planned for Spring, has been cancelled.

The use of rope to delineate a show ring has been approved for
another year, as has the deployment of folding chairs. Just remember to keep those chairs outside of the ring.

If you rip out the back seat and headliner; replace the carpet with linoleum, and then remove the armrests along with the electric window
controls, you will be able to get  two full-sized crates into the 1997 - 2021 Lexus sedan.

 That report I passed along to you last month turned out to be a cruel hoax. .. Hip Dysplasia in Shepherds cannot. .. I repeat, "CANNOT" .. be diagnosed more accurately by examining stool samples. A rather desperate O.F.A. has urgently requested that you resume sending X-rays as soon as possible. .. I apologize for any inconvenience.